I See You.

I see you. Simple as that. Why is that so hard for us to do?

Love

I Gave You My History.

Today went to my storage that I've been renting for some time. Soon, it's no longer mine. Since am anyway leaving the country again I choose to donate pretty much everything in there... While I was sorting out my stuff before the second hand-company would come to pick it up I realised that my life was there. Every thing, was a part of my history. There was so many memories. Now it's all gone. Some will be sold. Some will be thrown away. Just like that.

Love

King of Pop

The King of Pop had a voice, and he spoke for the world. Love.

Magnus Betner

Maluba Loves Mubanga, And She Always Will.

You are my everything.

Love

NO HOMO

This Crazy World.

I just watched a dokumentary about Iran.
(Irans gröna sommar, http://www.svtplay.se/ .)
You should do the same.
See it, and cry for the people of Iran.
Just like I, and many others have.
I want to find all the right words to say, for them.
My wish is to speak for them.
To tell everyone, that doesn't know.
But I can't evan find one single small word..to say to you.
After the tears I've dropped I'm left empty,
with a heart, heavily beating a little bit faster.

I'm angry.
But it doesn't help to be angry, does it?
Because when you are angry and you fight for your believes, you seam to be mad.
If you speak for the animals, people will laugh at you. A crazy, foolish activist dressed up as a chicken. You have witnessed blood, and you want get the peoples attention to be able to tell and convince as many as possible.
But the harder you try, the crazier you seam to be.
And the crazier you seam to be, the less people will care.
The harder you try, the easier people will find it to excuse what they choose not to see.
In their eyes, all you will be is a foolish animal-activist.
Or a crazy muslim, hiding your hair.
A stupid african with so little knowledge, he doesn't understand how to keep his own land.

A short time ago I updated my status on facebook: "Everyone and everything should refuse to send help and donate more money to the third world. To the hole world. Refuse and demand change! Cause you should not think that your donations actually help people!"
It's true.
A little bit naiv maybe, but true.
I was angry, now how crazy did I seam to be?

I am angry,
at everything.
The world.
God,
ironiclly I am angry with someone I don't believe exists.
I think what makes me the most angry, is the "modern society".
I hate it. From the bottom of my heart, I hate it.
A plastic world.
We are living a bubble.
Unable to see the rest of the world.
It's all about us.
We are what everything else, is supposed to be.
"Civilized".
We are blind.
The harder we try to live the way we should, the more we forget to actually live.
We think we know everything, but we don't have a clue.
This is not the way we are supposed to live.
Now how crazy to I seam to be?

Love

Ati shani?

I started to study Bemba today.
Felt good.
I want to learn!
Is just that I fear to try.
When I was in Zambia I finished two writingbooks of bemba-words and gramatics.
Though I never really started to practice it much.
The information I have is a bit messy, so I am now writing it down in other ways on the computer to get a more clear picture so that it will be easier for me to learn.
One day, I shall speak Bemba fluently.
Just wait, you'll see.

Love

I Just Wanna Go Home..

I expected it would be difficult to reach what is supposed to be my home.
But not in this way..
I am so afraid.
What if I fail?
And let you down?
And never see you again?

I just want to fucking live! Is that to much to ask??
It is supposed to be easy!
I am supposed to just miss you, enjoy being with my family and work and be happy..and study, update my blog and train at the gym and thats all!!
Instead, my anxiety is making me paralysed.
Frickin craaap!

I feel sure of that this dream is everything I want.
But the stress is making me doubt the obviouse.
I have to know.
Because if I am wrong, I caused me family all this pain for nothing.
I will have to face them when I come crawling back, I have to hear them say "I told you so".

I feel like I am not doing goog enough at work. Always.
I am betraying my own family.
The fear of that you and my dream is not real is becoming hugh. Because if I fine out it is not, I will feel like there is nothing left to live for.
To reach my dream i am forced to give you the biggest chance to kill me. To make me die on the inside. My life is in your hands. Either you kill me or you make my dream come true.
And what I fear evan more, is that the fear itself will cause the lost.
Because this fear doesnt exactly bring out my best behavier.
And the stress is making it hard for me to evan manage to talk to you.
I forget you all the time. I forget who you are.
But every single time I remember I fall in love all over again.
Please be true!

I can't stant the pressure and expactations on everything I have to be!
It's coming from everywere! From everyone!
I can't stand walking around with burden.
Sleeping with it is evan worse.
There is only one place I've been were I can escape the burden.
One place, were I feel like I am home.
Zambia.
And most of all, your arms.
You are my home.

Love

SITUATION STHLM

I have started to buy "SITUATION STHLM" (a magazine supporting homeless people).

Totally recomend you to do the same.

The magazine rocks and you contribute something. Not much, but something.

And it only costs 40 kr. Do it!

For the ones selling, for all homeless people in general, I feel love.

After I felt love, usually I start feeling like crap.

I feel selfish, stupid...stupid for feeling love.

Cause I guess it's not really all love.

Mostly pitty. And myself I feel like a hero after I bought the magazine.

Stupid.

But love is also there! For sure!

I feel many things at once.

Like I could do everything, anything to assist them!

Powerless, like I could do nothing.

And afraid of doing anything.

But I do dream about what I would do. "If I could".

It's winter. Imagen not having a door to close this time.

Actully, I don't fear not having a home myself.

I know I could do it.

If they can, I can.

And then I mean I would still be working and everything.

So money would still be in my pocket.

But simply not having a door to close (not during the winter), I don't fear.

It would be shit. But I don't fear.

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that.

Just that, the situation is a little possible.

So I thought about it.

And I don't fear.

The situation in Stockholm for homeless people has got a lot of attention recently.

More donations.

New projects.

Books has been published and so on.

The problem is it doesn't really help much.

Just like the aid in Africa for example.

You may think that, after I've been to Africa I donate more.

But it is the other way around.

I've seen, so I don't trust.

The only organisation I believe more in is Amnesty.

For the homeless people, and the people in Africa aid will never be enough.

Things in the society system needs to be changed.

It's us and them.

But anyone of us could become them.

And them, can become one of us.

We should be one.

Brothers and sisters.

We should.

But we are not.

Who are you to ignore them?

Next time I'll see one of you, I'll try to really see you.

Because I know that you are my sister, or my brother.

Love to YOU

Need A Break, From Myself.

Am sick and tired of being me.
Of my thoughts, feelings, behaviers.. Everything!
I don't manage everything I should manage.
I should be able!
Come on!
Am 23 years old now!
And still I feel like this?
I need a break from myself.
And then, I need to focus..
..after another ciggarete.

Love

Workaholic.

Back to my ordinary life in Sweden.
That means work.
Everyday.
Dubble shifts.
I have to, if I want make my dreams come true.
But evan if I wouldn't have to, I would continue.
Cause in Sweden..I don't really have a life.
If I have a free day, it's kinda hard for me to find someting to do.
I go to the gym.. Or something. If possible I see a friend..
Work is my life.
I'm a workaholic.

Love

God Scares The Crap Out Of Me

I am a thinker.
I think a lot.
Sometimes too much.
About everything really...
Right and wrong, politics, religion, love, culture, nature, creativity, relationships, traveling, style, behaviers...and so on.
Basicly, I think about life.
About different ways to live it.
I analize the purpose and the result from each one of them.
And I like words.
Sometimes I am good at finding them.
Good once.
When I am thinking.
Unfortunatly, I also easily loose them.
However, when it comes to words I am a better writer then a talker.
I need time to find them.
The good once.
So, I write.
About what I am thinking.

I was watching a TV-show (SVT1). The program was about people living different kinds of "wrong lifestyles" which christian priests were trying to change.
The priests were telling them what in their way of living was wrong and why.
In todays show (there are different parts) they talked about abortion.
I started crying.
They couldn't have choosen a topic that would have touched me more.
My abortion is the most horrible thing I have ever done, and probably and hopefully will ever do.
My worst sin.
I am dirt.
I killed my child.
There are so many excuses I am trying to tell myself, but they don't matter.
The fact remains the same.
I killed my child.
And for that, I am dirt.
Period.
I feel so much guilt, shame and regret.
But I can't undo the past.
That heavy burden, I will always carry.

The point that the priests were trying to make concearning abortion was that we don't respect and valuue the life God has given us.
And I guess we don't.
Both consearning abortion and in general.

In Christianity it is a big sin.
So, I guess I am going to hell then?
Or can God forgive me for what I did?
Is murder forgiveble?
God scares the crap out of me.
I am afraid that he is real.
That Christianity is true.
Can they be right?
After all, no other religion has more followers.

I have to admit that I hope they are not right.
And that is not only because I don't want to go to hell.
I just think it would be better for everyone and everything if Budduism or something would be true. That would deffenatly be my choise.

There are many things I don't like about Christianity.
For example the big ego God has.
Demanding everyone to warship him or you will suffer for ever and ever.
Punishing and rewarding.
Good or bad.
If God exists I hope he is wiser.
To me, most things spoken about Christianity is just too human to be from God.
The words in the Bible are too simple.
Most of it is just common scense.
Good advises.
There is a good meaning behind the beautifully written words.
A reason behind every rule.
But, a smart human being good deffenetly have written the Bible.
God most be so much more then that...
You know...he is GOD!
But maybe I am wrong.
Maybe even God, is quit simple.
Or, could it be possible that humans made Gods thoughts into their own words? That God became a bit...missunderstood when the humans were writing the Bible?

In Zambia (the Christian Nation) I started thinking more about God then before.
Though I got annoyed from the pressure people were putting on me.
There are so many beautiful, loving and amazing things about Christianity.
But the only thing I feel is fear.
And of course, I am not going to follow God because of the fear of what he might do to me if I don't.
Because of that he has the power over my destany.
I refuse.

I have also felt for a long time now, that I am okay without knowing the truth.
I don't have to search for it in different religions and other movements.
It is impossible to know.
All I try to do is to live my life in the way I feel is right.
I try.

I am not writing because of my wish to know.
It is just that...
I am a thinker.
And I like words.

Love

Tears.

In the first letter I recieved from my parents in Zambia there was a note, saying that my dog had been "tired" for some time.
That she was only able to walk a very short distance..
I got a little worried in the moment but after that I didn't think much about it.
Few months later when I was online in Lusaka, my sister wrote me on Facebook that my dog was really sick.
One hour later my dad calls to tell me that they are now going to put her to sleep.
It was a big chock.
I cried on the phone with my dad.
The worst part was that I never got to say good-bye.
I am still very sad about that. I never got to moon that I needed.
Now that I am back in Sweden in my parents hause I think about her more.
I talk to her sometimes.
And I imagen that I am touching her.
My family saved the ashes until I got back home. The 28 nov we spread it together outside the hause and by some bushes were Jonna used to searh for rasberries that she loved.
It was painful and sad..but also beautiful in a way.
The day I was going to take the flight to Zambia, when I said good-bye to Jonna...I was thinking "What if I will never see her again?" . But I just thought I was silly for thinking it and forgot it fast. I wish I would have known I was right..

I love you Lilla Bus.

Italy Wit The Little Bie. (4 nov. TWO WEEKS)

As I said, after I left Zambia I spent 2 weeks together with my sister Sofie (the little bie) in Italy.

It was nice to see her again after such a long time.

We were in Rome first for few days, and then we went to the small town Siena. From there we went down to Napoli. And then back to Rome again.

In Rome we went to see the Colosseum, the Vatican City..we were just walking around in town or to a nice park to just sit and have breakfast and to read a book in the morning. And we went to a ZOO.

The basilica in the Vatican City is without a doubt the most beautiful building I have ever seen! Before it was Notre Damm in Paris.

I can't evan describe it...it was so beautiful it evan made my sister cry when we walked in because she got so touched!

I was just amazed...Amazed by that people can create something like that.

It was so beautiful it was unreal!

We went to the ZOO not to far from town were I saw lions, griaffs, snakes, monkeys..and best of all crocodiles!! I have always been fascinated by them. It was damn cool. I enjoyed it!

What is ironic about it is that I just came from Zambia, were I saw none of thoose!

In Siena we went we went to another beautiful church, that also had museeums and so on around it. Also a tower that we went up on to see the beautiful view! It was nice!

We were also just walking around in town.. Siena is a nice, romantic, small and compact town. I loved it!

The reason for us going to Siena was because my sister wanted to visit a wine yard there (Podere la Capella). It was a bit far from were we stayed but a very nice and beautiful place! Worth the jurney. It was father and daughter that were working there together and they were very nice to us! They explained how they produce wine wich was interesting and gave us a little to taste. My sister bought two bottles. Even I tasted, the first droppes of alcohol for years! But come on, I had to!

Though, I still don't understand what is so speciall about it.

Napoli is by the beautiful seaside were we walked around a lot. Most of the time we were just walking around in town or we went to see old building and so on. I had my hair cut wich was really needed, had not been done for 8 months since I'd been in Zambia.

We also went up on the vulcano there. It was awesome! So cool! And really beautiful! I was impressed. The vulcano had barried the small town Pompeii next to it a long time ago. The last time it was active was during the second world war.

Italy is a beautiful country. Many amazing buildings..they have the BEST ice-cream.. But their coffee sucks and they lack healthy food. I have never eaten so much junkfood in my life!

Most of the Italian people were nice to us though few knew english well. Like any other people, they were diffrent. Some helped us so much! Even they never meet us and didnt understand what we said they wanted to do everything they could for us. And some, were rude and angry.

My favorite place was Napoli. Because of the seaside I think..and..I dont know. I guess I just liked the atmospher there. Siena was also nice, but for a period of time. Because you will get bored. It is too small, too little to see and too little to do. Rome is a nice capital, but I don't like big cities.

Me and my sister had a good jurney. If you don't think about our small arguments..traintickets...rain..

Amore

Comhem Judit & Judit

Love

I Dream.

I dream about my future.
Our future.
To me, what I dream about is paradise.
Everything I want.
Everything I have been searching for.

Swetting when returning back from the potatofield in the morning.
To smile while greating the dogs that are coming to meet me when I reach the hause.
Pooring the rest of the cold water over my head when I finished bathing.
Being so focused on the papers in the office I wont hear you talk.
Feeling peace as I walk beside the cows in the sun on the way to the next field of fresh grass.
Having my pride, motivation and care lead me as I give the disabled a chance to be able.
And maybe, having my heart guide me as I advice and assist people to be wise in making decisions consearning their partners.
Feel the drums in my body as I dance.
Smile to the people when I get out of the truck in town.
To hear my childs laugh in my head when waiting, touching my round stomech.
I want to be strong.
Free.
Happy.
Proud.
A mother.
A wife.
And all of this, I want to be next to you.
Amazing you.
To me, you are my home.
But maybe I am wrong.
Again.
Maybe I am terrified.
But I will stay.
I will stay on that edge.
Believing that you will reach out for my hand.
Knowing that you have the chance to push me.
I will stay.
Waiting.
Believing you.
Terrified.

I dream about my life.
A diffrent kind of life.
With you.
I dream about that life, with my family next to me.
My dream and my family, together.
But my dream is not their dream.
I am forced, to choose.
I dont want to choose.
Why do I have to choose?
How can I choose?
How can I choose between my family and my dream?
I cant choose.
I cant.
Please.
I beg you.
Don't force me to.
You can't force me to.

Love

I'm Sorry.

I found my way to live. Diffrent from others, diffrent from my family. Diffrent from the way people think you are supposed to live I guess... But I found what makes me happy. For years now I have been away from home (Sweden) a lot. I never ment to do it, but for my way of life I sacrificed my family.

Befor I left the first time me and my sister were so close. I needed her. I thought I couldn't live without her. We were used to be together always. We were one. Sisters forever. When I'd left i felt several times as if I couldn't make it without her. As if I have to go back. I forced myself to stay, while dropping a lot of tears.

We had a lot of contact. Letters..sms..internet and some phonecalles.. Same with my parents that I also missed.

But..we learned how to live without eachother. This time being away there were few letters, few sms and few phonecalles. I dont need them in the same way. And they don't need me. I love them, and I think about them. But that need, is gone.

It is awful. I feel like I am awful. Selfish. A betrayer. I left my sister who needed me. And my parents. They now feel a bit afraid to get close to me every time I come back because they know that one day I will leave again.

But I had to leave. And I still have to keep leaving. I'm sorry. I guess I have not cared enough about you. I didn't mean to.. I will try to do better. I'm sorry if I destroyed us. Things will never be the same again I guess... But I had to live. In my way. I'm sorry that I have such a way.

Forgive me.

This song I was listening a lot to during the time I left the first time. I needed to breake away. When I listened to the song I feelt happiness, exitment...hope. Now I feel it a bit heavier to hear it. Guilt. But it is a nice song. It means a lot to me. Hope you like it...

Love

Our Future.

Owens father works under the chief of Serenje. Therefor he was able to buy a big land cheap (about 1000 kr), that he has now given to us. Here we will have our home. Our farm. It's beautiful, isn't it? I just love it. It is very big. On theese pictures I was there for the second time when Owens father showed us all the borders. We were walking around for hours.

Owen and his father.

Owens father showing us the borders of our land he has given to us.

Our land.

Design on our hause.

Love

Engaged.

Maluba - Mubanga
I love you.
Always.
I can't imagen another life then we choose.

If I would loose it now I would be lost.

Love