I See You.

I see you. Simple as that. Why is that so hard for us to do?

Love

I Gave You My History.

Today went to my storage that I've been renting for some time. Soon, it's no longer mine. Since am anyway leaving the country again I choose to donate pretty much everything in there... While I was sorting out my stuff before the second hand-company would come to pick it up I realised that my life was there. Every thing, was a part of my history. There was so many memories. Now it's all gone. Some will be sold. Some will be thrown away. Just like that.

Love

King of Pop

The King of Pop had a voice, and he spoke for the world. Love.

Magnus Betner

Maluba Loves Mubanga, And She Always Will.

You are my everything.

Love

NO HOMO

This Crazy World.

I just watched a dokumentary about Iran.
(Irans gröna sommar, http://www.svtplay.se/ .)
You should do the same.
See it, and cry for the people of Iran.
Just like I, and many others have.
I want to find all the right words to say, for them.
My wish is to speak for them.
To tell everyone, that doesn't know.
But I can't evan find one single small word..to say to you.
After the tears I've dropped I'm left empty,
with a heart, heavily beating a little bit faster.

I'm angry.
But it doesn't help to be angry, does it?
Because when you are angry and you fight for your believes, you seam to be mad.
If you speak for the animals, people will laugh at you. A crazy, foolish activist dressed up as a chicken. You have witnessed blood, and you want get the peoples attention to be able to tell and convince as many as possible.
But the harder you try, the crazier you seam to be.
And the crazier you seam to be, the less people will care.
The harder you try, the easier people will find it to excuse what they choose not to see.
In their eyes, all you will be is a foolish animal-activist.
Or a crazy muslim, hiding your hair.
A stupid african with so little knowledge, he doesn't understand how to keep his own land.

A short time ago I updated my status on facebook: "Everyone and everything should refuse to send help and donate more money to the third world. To the hole world. Refuse and demand change! Cause you should not think that your donations actually help people!"
It's true.
A little bit naiv maybe, but true.
I was angry, now how crazy did I seam to be?

I am angry,
at everything.
The world.
God,
ironiclly I am angry with someone I don't believe exists.
I think what makes me the most angry, is the "modern society".
I hate it. From the bottom of my heart, I hate it.
A plastic world.
We are living a bubble.
Unable to see the rest of the world.
It's all about us.
We are what everything else, is supposed to be.
"Civilized".
We are blind.
The harder we try to live the way we should, the more we forget to actually live.
We think we know everything, but we don't have a clue.
This is not the way we are supposed to live.
Now how crazy to I seam to be?

Love

Ati shani?

I started to study Bemba today.
Felt good.
I want to learn!
Is just that I fear to try.
When I was in Zambia I finished two writingbooks of bemba-words and gramatics.
Though I never really started to practice it much.
The information I have is a bit messy, so I am now writing it down in other ways on the computer to get a more clear picture so that it will be easier for me to learn.
One day, I shall speak Bemba fluently.
Just wait, you'll see.

Love

I Just Wanna Go Home..

I expected it would be difficult to reach what is supposed to be my home.
But not in this way..
I am so afraid.
What if I fail?
And let you down?
And never see you again?

I just want to fucking live! Is that to much to ask??
It is supposed to be easy!
I am supposed to just miss you, enjoy being with my family and work and be happy..and study, update my blog and train at the gym and thats all!!
Instead, my anxiety is making me paralysed.
Frickin craaap!

I feel sure of that this dream is everything I want.
But the stress is making me doubt the obviouse.
I have to know.
Because if I am wrong, I caused me family all this pain for nothing.
I will have to face them when I come crawling back, I have to hear them say "I told you so".

I feel like I am not doing goog enough at work. Always.
I am betraying my own family.
The fear of that you and my dream is not real is becoming hugh. Because if I fine out it is not, I will feel like there is nothing left to live for.
To reach my dream i am forced to give you the biggest chance to kill me. To make me die on the inside. My life is in your hands. Either you kill me or you make my dream come true.
And what I fear evan more, is that the fear itself will cause the lost.
Because this fear doesnt exactly bring out my best behavier.
And the stress is making it hard for me to evan manage to talk to you.
I forget you all the time. I forget who you are.
But every single time I remember I fall in love all over again.
Please be true!

I can't stant the pressure and expactations on everything I have to be!
It's coming from everywere! From everyone!
I can't stand walking around with burden.
Sleeping with it is evan worse.
There is only one place I've been were I can escape the burden.
One place, were I feel like I am home.
Zambia.
And most of all, your arms.
You are my home.

Love

SITUATION STHLM

I have started to buy "SITUATION STHLM" (a magazine supporting homeless people).

Totally recomend you to do the same.

The magazine rocks and you contribute something. Not much, but something.

And it only costs 40 kr. Do it!

For the ones selling, for all homeless people in general, I feel love.

After I felt love, usually I start feeling like crap.

I feel selfish, stupid...stupid for feeling love.

Cause I guess it's not really all love.

Mostly pitty. And myself I feel like a hero after I bought the magazine.

Stupid.

But love is also there! For sure!

I feel many things at once.

Like I could do everything, anything to assist them!

Powerless, like I could do nothing.

And afraid of doing anything.

But I do dream about what I would do. "If I could".

It's winter. Imagen not having a door to close this time.

Actully, I don't fear not having a home myself.

I know I could do it.

If they can, I can.

And then I mean I would still be working and everything.

So money would still be in my pocket.

But simply not having a door to close (not during the winter), I don't fear.

It would be shit. But I don't fear.

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that.

Just that, the situation is a little possible.

So I thought about it.

And I don't fear.

The situation in Stockholm for homeless people has got a lot of attention recently.

More donations.

New projects.

Books has been published and so on.

The problem is it doesn't really help much.

Just like the aid in Africa for example.

You may think that, after I've been to Africa I donate more.

But it is the other way around.

I've seen, so I don't trust.

The only organisation I believe more in is Amnesty.

For the homeless people, and the people in Africa aid will never be enough.

Things in the society system needs to be changed.

It's us and them.

But anyone of us could become them.

And them, can become one of us.

We should be one.

Brothers and sisters.

We should.

But we are not.

Who are you to ignore them?

Next time I'll see one of you, I'll try to really see you.

Because I know that you are my sister, or my brother.

Love to YOU

Need A Break, From Myself.

Am sick and tired of being me.
Of my thoughts, feelings, behaviers.. Everything!
I don't manage everything I should manage.
I should be able!
Come on!
Am 23 years old now!
And still I feel like this?
I need a break from myself.
And then, I need to focus..
..after another ciggarete.

Love

Workaholic.

Back to my ordinary life in Sweden.
That means work.
Everyday.
Dubble shifts.
I have to, if I want make my dreams come true.
But evan if I wouldn't have to, I would continue.
Cause in Sweden..I don't really have a life.
If I have a free day, it's kinda hard for me to find someting to do.
I go to the gym.. Or something. If possible I see a friend..
Work is my life.
I'm a workaholic.

Love