God Scares The Crap Out Of Me

I am a thinker.
I think a lot.
Sometimes too much.
About everything really...
Right and wrong, politics, religion, love, culture, nature, creativity, relationships, traveling, style, behaviers...and so on.
Basicly, I think about life.
About different ways to live it.
I analize the purpose and the result from each one of them.
And I like words.
Sometimes I am good at finding them.
Good once.
When I am thinking.
Unfortunatly, I also easily loose them.
However, when it comes to words I am a better writer then a talker.
I need time to find them.
The good once.
So, I write.
About what I am thinking.

I was watching a TV-show (SVT1). The program was about people living different kinds of "wrong lifestyles" which christian priests were trying to change.
The priests were telling them what in their way of living was wrong and why.
In todays show (there are different parts) they talked about abortion.
I started crying.
They couldn't have choosen a topic that would have touched me more.
My abortion is the most horrible thing I have ever done, and probably and hopefully will ever do.
My worst sin.
I am dirt.
I killed my child.
There are so many excuses I am trying to tell myself, but they don't matter.
The fact remains the same.
I killed my child.
And for that, I am dirt.
Period.
I feel so much guilt, shame and regret.
But I can't undo the past.
That heavy burden, I will always carry.

The point that the priests were trying to make concearning abortion was that we don't respect and valuue the life God has given us.
And I guess we don't.
Both consearning abortion and in general.

In Christianity it is a big sin.
So, I guess I am going to hell then?
Or can God forgive me for what I did?
Is murder forgiveble?
God scares the crap out of me.
I am afraid that he is real.
That Christianity is true.
Can they be right?
After all, no other religion has more followers.

I have to admit that I hope they are not right.
And that is not only because I don't want to go to hell.
I just think it would be better for everyone and everything if Budduism or something would be true. That would deffenatly be my choise.

There are many things I don't like about Christianity.
For example the big ego God has.
Demanding everyone to warship him or you will suffer for ever and ever.
Punishing and rewarding.
Good or bad.
If God exists I hope he is wiser.
To me, most things spoken about Christianity is just too human to be from God.
The words in the Bible are too simple.
Most of it is just common scense.
Good advises.
There is a good meaning behind the beautifully written words.
A reason behind every rule.
But, a smart human being good deffenetly have written the Bible.
God most be so much more then that...
You know...he is GOD!
But maybe I am wrong.
Maybe even God, is quit simple.
Or, could it be possible that humans made Gods thoughts into their own words? That God became a bit...missunderstood when the humans were writing the Bible?

In Zambia (the Christian Nation) I started thinking more about God then before.
Though I got annoyed from the pressure people were putting on me.
There are so many beautiful, loving and amazing things about Christianity.
But the only thing I feel is fear.
And of course, I am not going to follow God because of the fear of what he might do to me if I don't.
Because of that he has the power over my destany.
I refuse.

I have also felt for a long time now, that I am okay without knowing the truth.
I don't have to search for it in different religions and other movements.
It is impossible to know.
All I try to do is to live my life in the way I feel is right.
I try.

I am not writing because of my wish to know.
It is just that...
I am a thinker.
And I like words.

Love

Tears.

In the first letter I recieved from my parents in Zambia there was a note, saying that my dog had been "tired" for some time.
That she was only able to walk a very short distance..
I got a little worried in the moment but after that I didn't think much about it.
Few months later when I was online in Lusaka, my sister wrote me on Facebook that my dog was really sick.
One hour later my dad calls to tell me that they are now going to put her to sleep.
It was a big chock.
I cried on the phone with my dad.
The worst part was that I never got to say good-bye.
I am still very sad about that. I never got to moon that I needed.
Now that I am back in Sweden in my parents hause I think about her more.
I talk to her sometimes.
And I imagen that I am touching her.
My family saved the ashes until I got back home. The 28 nov we spread it together outside the hause and by some bushes were Jonna used to searh for rasberries that she loved.
It was painful and sad..but also beautiful in a way.
The day I was going to take the flight to Zambia, when I said good-bye to Jonna...I was thinking "What if I will never see her again?" . But I just thought I was silly for thinking it and forgot it fast. I wish I would have known I was right..

I love you Lilla Bus.

Italy Wit The Little Bie. (4 nov. TWO WEEKS)

As I said, after I left Zambia I spent 2 weeks together with my sister Sofie (the little bie) in Italy.

It was nice to see her again after such a long time.

We were in Rome first for few days, and then we went to the small town Siena. From there we went down to Napoli. And then back to Rome again.

In Rome we went to see the Colosseum, the Vatican City..we were just walking around in town or to a nice park to just sit and have breakfast and to read a book in the morning. And we went to a ZOO.

The basilica in the Vatican City is without a doubt the most beautiful building I have ever seen! Before it was Notre Damm in Paris.

I can't evan describe it...it was so beautiful it evan made my sister cry when we walked in because she got so touched!

I was just amazed...Amazed by that people can create something like that.

It was so beautiful it was unreal!

We went to the ZOO not to far from town were I saw lions, griaffs, snakes, monkeys..and best of all crocodiles!! I have always been fascinated by them. It was damn cool. I enjoyed it!

What is ironic about it is that I just came from Zambia, were I saw none of thoose!

In Siena we went we went to another beautiful church, that also had museeums and so on around it. Also a tower that we went up on to see the beautiful view! It was nice!

We were also just walking around in town.. Siena is a nice, romantic, small and compact town. I loved it!

The reason for us going to Siena was because my sister wanted to visit a wine yard there (Podere la Capella). It was a bit far from were we stayed but a very nice and beautiful place! Worth the jurney. It was father and daughter that were working there together and they were very nice to us! They explained how they produce wine wich was interesting and gave us a little to taste. My sister bought two bottles. Even I tasted, the first droppes of alcohol for years! But come on, I had to!

Though, I still don't understand what is so speciall about it.

Napoli is by the beautiful seaside were we walked around a lot. Most of the time we were just walking around in town or we went to see old building and so on. I had my hair cut wich was really needed, had not been done for 8 months since I'd been in Zambia.

We also went up on the vulcano there. It was awesome! So cool! And really beautiful! I was impressed. The vulcano had barried the small town Pompeii next to it a long time ago. The last time it was active was during the second world war.

Italy is a beautiful country. Many amazing buildings..they have the BEST ice-cream.. But their coffee sucks and they lack healthy food. I have never eaten so much junkfood in my life!

Most of the Italian people were nice to us though few knew english well. Like any other people, they were diffrent. Some helped us so much! Even they never meet us and didnt understand what we said they wanted to do everything they could for us. And some, were rude and angry.

My favorite place was Napoli. Because of the seaside I think..and..I dont know. I guess I just liked the atmospher there. Siena was also nice, but for a period of time. Because you will get bored. It is too small, too little to see and too little to do. Rome is a nice capital, but I don't like big cities.

Me and my sister had a good jurney. If you don't think about our small arguments..traintickets...rain..

Amore

Comhem Judit & Judit

Love

I Dream.

I dream about my future.
Our future.
To me, what I dream about is paradise.
Everything I want.
Everything I have been searching for.

Swetting when returning back from the potatofield in the morning.
To smile while greating the dogs that are coming to meet me when I reach the hause.
Pooring the rest of the cold water over my head when I finished bathing.
Being so focused on the papers in the office I wont hear you talk.
Feeling peace as I walk beside the cows in the sun on the way to the next field of fresh grass.
Having my pride, motivation and care lead me as I give the disabled a chance to be able.
And maybe, having my heart guide me as I advice and assist people to be wise in making decisions consearning their partners.
Feel the drums in my body as I dance.
Smile to the people when I get out of the truck in town.
To hear my childs laugh in my head when waiting, touching my round stomech.
I want to be strong.
Free.
Happy.
Proud.
A mother.
A wife.
And all of this, I want to be next to you.
Amazing you.
To me, you are my home.
But maybe I am wrong.
Again.
Maybe I am terrified.
But I will stay.
I will stay on that edge.
Believing that you will reach out for my hand.
Knowing that you have the chance to push me.
I will stay.
Waiting.
Believing you.
Terrified.

I dream about my life.
A diffrent kind of life.
With you.
I dream about that life, with my family next to me.
My dream and my family, together.
But my dream is not their dream.
I am forced, to choose.
I dont want to choose.
Why do I have to choose?
How can I choose?
How can I choose between my family and my dream?
I cant choose.
I cant.
Please.
I beg you.
Don't force me to.
You can't force me to.

Love

I'm Sorry.

I found my way to live. Diffrent from others, diffrent from my family. Diffrent from the way people think you are supposed to live I guess... But I found what makes me happy. For years now I have been away from home (Sweden) a lot. I never ment to do it, but for my way of life I sacrificed my family.

Befor I left the first time me and my sister were so close. I needed her. I thought I couldn't live without her. We were used to be together always. We were one. Sisters forever. When I'd left i felt several times as if I couldn't make it without her. As if I have to go back. I forced myself to stay, while dropping a lot of tears.

We had a lot of contact. Letters..sms..internet and some phonecalles.. Same with my parents that I also missed.

But..we learned how to live without eachother. This time being away there were few letters, few sms and few phonecalles. I dont need them in the same way. And they don't need me. I love them, and I think about them. But that need, is gone.

It is awful. I feel like I am awful. Selfish. A betrayer. I left my sister who needed me. And my parents. They now feel a bit afraid to get close to me every time I come back because they know that one day I will leave again.

But I had to leave. And I still have to keep leaving. I'm sorry. I guess I have not cared enough about you. I didn't mean to.. I will try to do better. I'm sorry if I destroyed us. Things will never be the same again I guess... But I had to live. In my way. I'm sorry that I have such a way.

Forgive me.

This song I was listening a lot to during the time I left the first time. I needed to breake away. When I listened to the song I feelt happiness, exitment...hope. Now I feel it a bit heavier to hear it. Guilt. But it is a nice song. It means a lot to me. Hope you like it...

Love

Our Future.

Owens father works under the chief of Serenje. Therefor he was able to buy a big land cheap (about 1000 kr), that he has now given to us. Here we will have our home. Our farm. It's beautiful, isn't it? I just love it. It is very big. On theese pictures I was there for the second time when Owens father showed us all the borders. We were walking around for hours.

Owen and his father.

Owens father showing us the borders of our land he has given to us.

Our land.

Design on our hause.

Love

Engaged.

Maluba - Mubanga
I love you.
Always.
I can't imagen another life then we choose.

If I would loose it now I would be lost.

Love

Cartoon Memories

Love

Jah Love

Jah Love, Respect

The Story About "Jamal"

This is a true story about a friend to Owen,
let's call him Jamal.
He has destroyed the bright future he once had.
He was lucky.
He had so many oppertunities right in front of him.
Given to him.
But he refused to see them...

His father had been working for many years under the government,
having a good position.
So when he died,
all of his benefits got a new owner.
His son,
Jamal.
70 million kwacha.
He could have baught a hause!
Or a car..or education.
He could have started his own buissness!
There were so many diffrent roads to take against a better future.
And many were encouriging him.
Evan begging him.
But he did'nt listen.
He wasted 70 million kwacha,
and he did it fast.
He stayed at the best hotel in Zambia..he baught a flat screen TV..a lot of beer...
And he was giving people.
And why?
For people to look up to him,
for them to envy his money.
He wanted to be admired.
To feel how it was to be someone.
To shine.
He was high.
Girls wanted to marry him.
Suddenly everyone wanted to be his friend.
He looked good in his new clodes.
Everyone wanted to be him.
The rush the money gave him made him lose his logic scence.
And now it is to late.
He refused to see the oppertunities.
He just let them pass.
And were is he now?
In the Zambian Compound in Serenje.
A poor area.
He has nothing,
he is doing nothing.
He is drinking.
Trying to deny.
People say he is going mad.
Just imagen what he must feel...

This story may be a bit extreem,
but the same kind of thing happends a lot in Zambia.
People can not handle having money.
It can be very difficult to refuse when your brothers and sister asks for money.
To see how they think you are selfish if you do say no.
In poor countries you are "the shit" if you have money.
You've got status.
It can be hard to see beyond that surfuce.
Jamal couldn't.

Love

I Left The Place Were My Heart Belongs

I left Zambia.
And I have reached Italy.
My sister is coming tomorrow, we will travel here for 2 weeks together before we go back to Sweden.
The journey went fine exept that I was missing a bit of my luggage when I arrived..
Annoying!
It is kinda strange.. After 6 months in Zambia to leave...
Strange to leave Owen.
We are now engaged.
I am very happy about it!
We just went to buy fake silverrings on the market that has an M on (Maluba, Mubanga - our Bemba-names).
Our weddingrings will be the real deal, now is just important to have a symbol.

Owen..
Am so sure I want to be with him.
He is the only one who can stand all my flaws.
Love me when I make misstakes.
He see's who I am,
and loves who I am.
Relationships are never easy,
it is hard to find someone that you can both love and cooparate with somehow.
Someone for you.
But with Owen I feel like it is as easy as it gets.
And I do beleive that we are making eachother better people.
We have simular valuues, thoughts, interests and view of what is important in life.
We argue (not fight) in a good way,
most of the times without hurting eachother.
I think he will be a good husbend, father and coleege on the farm.
I want my future to be with him.
Owen is a beautiful person.
He is now my other half,
we are one.
Evan though I left him miles and miles away,
I feel more closer to him then ever.
The engagementrings we have around our necks makes me feel connected to him.
Proud of having him.
Like we belong to eachother.
I'm his.
He is mine.
Always.
I really hope it will be always.
I hope that I can keep my word I will be giving in the church,
standing next to you.
I will choose to say yes,
because I beleive you.
I can be fooled again and again,
but I have to choose to beleive.

Love

Nu Vet Jag.

Forut var min drom att jobba for Amnesty eller FN.

Att vara stark, ha gjort lumpen, vara riktigt utbildad och erfaren.

Att kampa for varlden.

Har i Zambia fick jag en ny drom.

Under manader har jag tankt och tankt pa vilken drom jag vill folja.

Jag har varit frustrerad over att jag som vanligt inte kan bestamma mig.

Radd for att valja fel.

Det har varit svart att slappa min forsta drom.

Men nu vet jag vad jag vill.

Jag ar saker.

Jag har bestamt mig.

For varje dag som gar blir jag bara sakrare.

Jag kan inte tanka mig att nagot annat skulle kunna gora mig lyckligare.

Jag vill vara med Owen.

Vi ska gora en farm tillsammans i Serenje.

Vi har fatt ett stort land av Owens pappa.

Jag och Owen cycklade dit och tittade i veckan.

De ar sa vackert!

Inte for nara Boma och inte for langt ifran!

1 timme att cyckla kanske…

Nasta vecka ar ritningarna till varat hus klara.

Vi ska forsorja oss pa mjolk- och aggproduktion, gronsak-frukt- och potatisodling.

Och sa ska vi salja hons och kor nar v har manga!

Planen ar att medan jag ar I Sverige sa ska Owen bygga farmen.

Bada vi tva ska plugga, och sa ska jag ta korkort och jobba ihop pengar.

Jag vill bade plugga farming och nagot annat att gora vid sidan om. Tex sexradgivning, forskola eller sa.. Men da maste jag forst lara mig Bemba flytande.

Sen nar jag kommer tillbaka sa gifter vi oss och borjar varat liv tillsammans.

Jag forstar absolute om ni tycker att det har later helt galet och undrar vad fan jag haller pa med!

Men de tar inte alls galet och jag vet précis vad jag gor.

Nar jag tanker pa farmen blir jag lycklig.

Owen gor mig lycklig!

Fan vad underbart det kommer att bli!

Tank er! Ett liv utan daglig angest! Fy fan vad skont!

Tank att fa leva mitt I sa vacker, tyst och fridfull natur!

Jobba med djur..mycket kroppsligt arbete och lite papper.

Ett arbete som ger pengar, staten har inte ett piss med dig och gora.

Alla beslut ar mellan mig och Owen.

Ett “enkelt liv”.

Tillsammans med nagon som alskar dig.

Som du alskar!

I ett land som du alskar!

Iborjan kande jag inte sa starkt for Owen.

Det har vaxt fram sakta.

Owen ar typ den finaste personen jag nagonsin traffat!

Han ar sa…akta!

Han ar lugn, ger respect, han har varderingar…han tanker!

Vi funkar tillsammans och tanker mycket lika.

Han behandlar mig bra.

Kulturskillnader finns men dom ar sma och betyder inte sa mycket.

Saker som jag stort mig pa forut ar bara skitsaker. En del av dem far mig till och med att alska honom mer nu!

De ar ju bara saa Owen liksom!

Han har inga pengar, inget job osv.

Men det gor inget!

Han ger mig sa mycket annat som ingen annan get mig forut.

Jag vet inte vad jag kan saga for att beskriva honom.

Men jag vet att jag vill vara med honom.

Nu kan jag sluta leta.

Love

Esther Wahome

Love

Jonna

Jag är så tacksam för de åren jag fick med dig. Och det blev ju ändå rätt många! Jag älskar dig! Du kommer alltid finnas i mitt hjärta.

Jag kommer aldrig att glömma...

...ditt lyckobjörnrytande.

...hur dina tassar luktade ostbågar.

...hur du började vifta med tassen när vi kliade dig på ryggen.

...vilket blindstyre du var!

...hur du osmidigt låtsades tappa godisen vi la pa din nos så att du skulle kunna hugga in kvickt istället för att vänta på vårt kommando.

...vilka dumboöron du hade som valp.

...hur du kom och gav mig en kram när jag bad om en.

...vad lycklig du blev när pappa kom och busade med dig.

...hur mjuk och len du kändes på huvudet.

...de gånger du somnade i mina armar.

...hur jag blev varm i hjärtat nar du snarkade.

...hur du nös och nös av avgaserna varje gång en bil körde förbi.

Jag kommer aldrig glömma dig Lilla Bus.