God Scares The Crap Out Of Me

I am a thinker.
I think a lot.
Sometimes too much.
About everything really...
Right and wrong, politics, religion, love, culture, nature, creativity, relationships, traveling, style, behaviers...and so on.
Basicly, I think about life.
About different ways to live it.
I analize the purpose and the result from each one of them.
And I like words.
Sometimes I am good at finding them.
Good once.
When I am thinking.
Unfortunatly, I also easily loose them.
However, when it comes to words I am a better writer then a talker.
I need time to find them.
The good once.
So, I write.
About what I am thinking.

I was watching a TV-show (SVT1). The program was about people living different kinds of "wrong lifestyles" which christian priests were trying to change.
The priests were telling them what in their way of living was wrong and why.
In todays show (there are different parts) they talked about abortion.
I started crying.
They couldn't have choosen a topic that would have touched me more.
My abortion is the most horrible thing I have ever done, and probably and hopefully will ever do.
My worst sin.
I am dirt.
I killed my child.
There are so many excuses I am trying to tell myself, but they don't matter.
The fact remains the same.
I killed my child.
And for that, I am dirt.
Period.
I feel so much guilt, shame and regret.
But I can't undo the past.
That heavy burden, I will always carry.

The point that the priests were trying to make concearning abortion was that we don't respect and valuue the life God has given us.
And I guess we don't.
Both consearning abortion and in general.

In Christianity it is a big sin.
So, I guess I am going to hell then?
Or can God forgive me for what I did?
Is murder forgiveble?
God scares the crap out of me.
I am afraid that he is real.
That Christianity is true.
Can they be right?
After all, no other religion has more followers.

I have to admit that I hope they are not right.
And that is not only because I don't want to go to hell.
I just think it would be better for everyone and everything if Budduism or something would be true. That would deffenatly be my choise.

There are many things I don't like about Christianity.
For example the big ego God has.
Demanding everyone to warship him or you will suffer for ever and ever.
Punishing and rewarding.
Good or bad.
If God exists I hope he is wiser.
To me, most things spoken about Christianity is just too human to be from God.
The words in the Bible are too simple.
Most of it is just common scense.
Good advises.
There is a good meaning behind the beautifully written words.
A reason behind every rule.
But, a smart human being good deffenetly have written the Bible.
God most be so much more then that...
You know...he is GOD!
But maybe I am wrong.
Maybe even God, is quit simple.
Or, could it be possible that humans made Gods thoughts into their own words? That God became a bit...missunderstood when the humans were writing the Bible?

In Zambia (the Christian Nation) I started thinking more about God then before.
Though I got annoyed from the pressure people were putting on me.
There are so many beautiful, loving and amazing things about Christianity.
But the only thing I feel is fear.
And of course, I am not going to follow God because of the fear of what he might do to me if I don't.
Because of that he has the power over my destany.
I refuse.

I have also felt for a long time now, that I am okay without knowing the truth.
I don't have to search for it in different religions and other movements.
It is impossible to know.
All I try to do is to live my life in the way I feel is right.
I try.

I am not writing because of my wish to know.
It is just that...
I am a thinker.
And I like words.

Love