I Dream.

I dream about my future.
Our future.
To me, what I dream about is paradise.
Everything I want.
Everything I have been searching for.

Swetting when returning back from the potatofield in the morning.
To smile while greating the dogs that are coming to meet me when I reach the hause.
Pooring the rest of the cold water over my head when I finished bathing.
Being so focused on the papers in the office I wont hear you talk.
Feeling peace as I walk beside the cows in the sun on the way to the next field of fresh grass.
Having my pride, motivation and care lead me as I give the disabled a chance to be able.
And maybe, having my heart guide me as I advice and assist people to be wise in making decisions consearning their partners.
Feel the drums in my body as I dance.
Smile to the people when I get out of the truck in town.
To hear my childs laugh in my head when waiting, touching my round stomech.
I want to be strong.
Free.
Happy.
Proud.
A mother.
A wife.
And all of this, I want to be next to you.
Amazing you.
To me, you are my home.
But maybe I am wrong.
Again.
Maybe I am terrified.
But I will stay.
I will stay on that edge.
Believing that you will reach out for my hand.
Knowing that you have the chance to push me.
I will stay.
Waiting.
Believing you.
Terrified.

I dream about my life.
A diffrent kind of life.
With you.
I dream about that life, with my family next to me.
My dream and my family, together.
But my dream is not their dream.
I am forced, to choose.
I dont want to choose.
Why do I have to choose?
How can I choose?
How can I choose between my family and my dream?
I cant choose.
I cant.
Please.
I beg you.
Don't force me to.
You can't force me to.

Love

I'm Sorry.

I found my way to live. Diffrent from others, diffrent from my family. Diffrent from the way people think you are supposed to live I guess... But I found what makes me happy. For years now I have been away from home (Sweden) a lot. I never ment to do it, but for my way of life I sacrificed my family.

Befor I left the first time me and my sister were so close. I needed her. I thought I couldn't live without her. We were used to be together always. We were one. Sisters forever. When I'd left i felt several times as if I couldn't make it without her. As if I have to go back. I forced myself to stay, while dropping a lot of tears.

We had a lot of contact. Letters..sms..internet and some phonecalles.. Same with my parents that I also missed.

But..we learned how to live without eachother. This time being away there were few letters, few sms and few phonecalles. I dont need them in the same way. And they don't need me. I love them, and I think about them. But that need, is gone.

It is awful. I feel like I am awful. Selfish. A betrayer. I left my sister who needed me. And my parents. They now feel a bit afraid to get close to me every time I come back because they know that one day I will leave again.

But I had to leave. And I still have to keep leaving. I'm sorry. I guess I have not cared enough about you. I didn't mean to.. I will try to do better. I'm sorry if I destroyed us. Things will never be the same again I guess... But I had to live. In my way. I'm sorry that I have such a way.

Forgive me.

This song I was listening a lot to during the time I left the first time. I needed to breake away. When I listened to the song I feelt happiness, exitment...hope. Now I feel it a bit heavier to hear it. Guilt. But it is a nice song. It means a lot to me. Hope you like it...

Love

Our Future.

Owens father works under the chief of Serenje. Therefor he was able to buy a big land cheap (about 1000 kr), that he has now given to us. Here we will have our home. Our farm. It's beautiful, isn't it? I just love it. It is very big. On theese pictures I was there for the second time when Owens father showed us all the borders. We were walking around for hours.

Owen and his father.

Owens father showing us the borders of our land he has given to us.

Our land.

Design on our hause.

Love

Engaged.

Maluba - Mubanga
I love you.
Always.
I can't imagen another life then we choose.

If I would loose it now I would be lost.

Love

Cartoon Memories

Love

Jah Love

Jah Love, Respect

The Story About "Jamal"

This is a true story about a friend to Owen,
let's call him Jamal.
He has destroyed the bright future he once had.
He was lucky.
He had so many oppertunities right in front of him.
Given to him.
But he refused to see them...

His father had been working for many years under the government,
having a good position.
So when he died,
all of his benefits got a new owner.
His son,
Jamal.
70 million kwacha.
He could have baught a hause!
Or a car..or education.
He could have started his own buissness!
There were so many diffrent roads to take against a better future.
And many were encouriging him.
Evan begging him.
But he did'nt listen.
He wasted 70 million kwacha,
and he did it fast.
He stayed at the best hotel in Zambia..he baught a flat screen TV..a lot of beer...
And he was giving people.
And why?
For people to look up to him,
for them to envy his money.
He wanted to be admired.
To feel how it was to be someone.
To shine.
He was high.
Girls wanted to marry him.
Suddenly everyone wanted to be his friend.
He looked good in his new clodes.
Everyone wanted to be him.
The rush the money gave him made him lose his logic scence.
And now it is to late.
He refused to see the oppertunities.
He just let them pass.
And were is he now?
In the Zambian Compound in Serenje.
A poor area.
He has nothing,
he is doing nothing.
He is drinking.
Trying to deny.
People say he is going mad.
Just imagen what he must feel...

This story may be a bit extreem,
but the same kind of thing happends a lot in Zambia.
People can not handle having money.
It can be very difficult to refuse when your brothers and sister asks for money.
To see how they think you are selfish if you do say no.
In poor countries you are "the shit" if you have money.
You've got status.
It can be hard to see beyond that surfuce.
Jamal couldn't.

Love

I Left The Place Were My Heart Belongs

I left Zambia.
And I have reached Italy.
My sister is coming tomorrow, we will travel here for 2 weeks together before we go back to Sweden.
The journey went fine exept that I was missing a bit of my luggage when I arrived..
Annoying!
It is kinda strange.. After 6 months in Zambia to leave...
Strange to leave Owen.
We are now engaged.
I am very happy about it!
We just went to buy fake silverrings on the market that has an M on (Maluba, Mubanga - our Bemba-names).
Our weddingrings will be the real deal, now is just important to have a symbol.

Owen..
Am so sure I want to be with him.
He is the only one who can stand all my flaws.
Love me when I make misstakes.
He see's who I am,
and loves who I am.
Relationships are never easy,
it is hard to find someone that you can both love and cooparate with somehow.
Someone for you.
But with Owen I feel like it is as easy as it gets.
And I do beleive that we are making eachother better people.
We have simular valuues, thoughts, interests and view of what is important in life.
We argue (not fight) in a good way,
most of the times without hurting eachother.
I think he will be a good husbend, father and coleege on the farm.
I want my future to be with him.
Owen is a beautiful person.
He is now my other half,
we are one.
Evan though I left him miles and miles away,
I feel more closer to him then ever.
The engagementrings we have around our necks makes me feel connected to him.
Proud of having him.
Like we belong to eachother.
I'm his.
He is mine.
Always.
I really hope it will be always.
I hope that I can keep my word I will be giving in the church,
standing next to you.
I will choose to say yes,
because I beleive you.
I can be fooled again and again,
but I have to choose to beleive.

Love