God Scares The Crap Out Of Me

I am a thinker.
I think a lot.
Sometimes too much.
About everything really...
Right and wrong, politics, religion, love, culture, nature, creativity, relationships, traveling, style, behaviers...and so on.
Basicly, I think about life.
About different ways to live it.
I analize the purpose and the result from each one of them.
And I like words.
Sometimes I am good at finding them.
Good once.
When I am thinking.
Unfortunatly, I also easily loose them.
However, when it comes to words I am a better writer then a talker.
I need time to find them.
The good once.
So, I write.
About what I am thinking.

I was watching a TV-show (SVT1). The program was about people living different kinds of "wrong lifestyles" which christian priests were trying to change.
The priests were telling them what in their way of living was wrong and why.
In todays show (there are different parts) they talked about abortion.
I started crying.
They couldn't have choosen a topic that would have touched me more.
My abortion is the most horrible thing I have ever done, and probably and hopefully will ever do.
My worst sin.
I am dirt.
I killed my child.
There are so many excuses I am trying to tell myself, but they don't matter.
The fact remains the same.
I killed my child.
And for that, I am dirt.
Period.
I feel so much guilt, shame and regret.
But I can't undo the past.
That heavy burden, I will always carry.

The point that the priests were trying to make concearning abortion was that we don't respect and valuue the life God has given us.
And I guess we don't.
Both consearning abortion and in general.

In Christianity it is a big sin.
So, I guess I am going to hell then?
Or can God forgive me for what I did?
Is murder forgiveble?
God scares the crap out of me.
I am afraid that he is real.
That Christianity is true.
Can they be right?
After all, no other religion has more followers.

I have to admit that I hope they are not right.
And that is not only because I don't want to go to hell.
I just think it would be better for everyone and everything if Budduism or something would be true. That would deffenatly be my choise.

There are many things I don't like about Christianity.
For example the big ego God has.
Demanding everyone to warship him or you will suffer for ever and ever.
Punishing and rewarding.
Good or bad.
If God exists I hope he is wiser.
To me, most things spoken about Christianity is just too human to be from God.
The words in the Bible are too simple.
Most of it is just common scense.
Good advises.
There is a good meaning behind the beautifully written words.
A reason behind every rule.
But, a smart human being good deffenetly have written the Bible.
God most be so much more then that...
You know...he is GOD!
But maybe I am wrong.
Maybe even God, is quit simple.
Or, could it be possible that humans made Gods thoughts into their own words? That God became a bit...missunderstood when the humans were writing the Bible?

In Zambia (the Christian Nation) I started thinking more about God then before.
Though I got annoyed from the pressure people were putting on me.
There are so many beautiful, loving and amazing things about Christianity.
But the only thing I feel is fear.
And of course, I am not going to follow God because of the fear of what he might do to me if I don't.
Because of that he has the power over my destany.
I refuse.

I have also felt for a long time now, that I am okay without knowing the truth.
I don't have to search for it in different religions and other movements.
It is impossible to know.
All I try to do is to live my life in the way I feel is right.
I try.

I am not writing because of my wish to know.
It is just that...
I am a thinker.
And I like words.

Love

Tears.

In the first letter I recieved from my parents in Zambia there was a note, saying that my dog had been "tired" for some time.
That she was only able to walk a very short distance..
I got a little worried in the moment but after that I didn't think much about it.
Few months later when I was online in Lusaka, my sister wrote me on Facebook that my dog was really sick.
One hour later my dad calls to tell me that they are now going to put her to sleep.
It was a big chock.
I cried on the phone with my dad.
The worst part was that I never got to say good-bye.
I am still very sad about that. I never got to moon that I needed.
Now that I am back in Sweden in my parents hause I think about her more.
I talk to her sometimes.
And I imagen that I am touching her.
My family saved the ashes until I got back home. The 28 nov we spread it together outside the hause and by some bushes were Jonna used to searh for rasberries that she loved.
It was painful and sad..but also beautiful in a way.
The day I was going to take the flight to Zambia, when I said good-bye to Jonna...I was thinking "What if I will never see her again?" . But I just thought I was silly for thinking it and forgot it fast. I wish I would have known I was right..

I love you Lilla Bus.

Italy Wit The Little Bie. (4 nov. TWO WEEKS)

As I said, after I left Zambia I spent 2 weeks together with my sister Sofie (the little bie) in Italy.

It was nice to see her again after such a long time.

We were in Rome first for few days, and then we went to the small town Siena. From there we went down to Napoli. And then back to Rome again.

In Rome we went to see the Colosseum, the Vatican City..we were just walking around in town or to a nice park to just sit and have breakfast and to read a book in the morning. And we went to a ZOO.

The basilica in the Vatican City is without a doubt the most beautiful building I have ever seen! Before it was Notre Damm in Paris.

I can't evan describe it...it was so beautiful it evan made my sister cry when we walked in because she got so touched!

I was just amazed...Amazed by that people can create something like that.

It was so beautiful it was unreal!

We went to the ZOO not to far from town were I saw lions, griaffs, snakes, monkeys..and best of all crocodiles!! I have always been fascinated by them. It was damn cool. I enjoyed it!

What is ironic about it is that I just came from Zambia, were I saw none of thoose!

In Siena we went we went to another beautiful church, that also had museeums and so on around it. Also a tower that we went up on to see the beautiful view! It was nice!

We were also just walking around in town.. Siena is a nice, romantic, small and compact town. I loved it!

The reason for us going to Siena was because my sister wanted to visit a wine yard there (Podere la Capella). It was a bit far from were we stayed but a very nice and beautiful place! Worth the jurney. It was father and daughter that were working there together and they were very nice to us! They explained how they produce wine wich was interesting and gave us a little to taste. My sister bought two bottles. Even I tasted, the first droppes of alcohol for years! But come on, I had to!

Though, I still don't understand what is so speciall about it.

Napoli is by the beautiful seaside were we walked around a lot. Most of the time we were just walking around in town or we went to see old building and so on. I had my hair cut wich was really needed, had not been done for 8 months since I'd been in Zambia.

We also went up on the vulcano there. It was awesome! So cool! And really beautiful! I was impressed. The vulcano had barried the small town Pompeii next to it a long time ago. The last time it was active was during the second world war.

Italy is a beautiful country. Many amazing buildings..they have the BEST ice-cream.. But their coffee sucks and they lack healthy food. I have never eaten so much junkfood in my life!

Most of the Italian people were nice to us though few knew english well. Like any other people, they were diffrent. Some helped us so much! Even they never meet us and didnt understand what we said they wanted to do everything they could for us. And some, were rude and angry.

My favorite place was Napoli. Because of the seaside I think..and..I dont know. I guess I just liked the atmospher there. Siena was also nice, but for a period of time. Because you will get bored. It is too small, too little to see and too little to do. Rome is a nice capital, but I don't like big cities.

Me and my sister had a good jurney. If you don't think about our small arguments..traintickets...rain..

Amore

Comhem Judit & Judit

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