I expected it would be difficult to reach what is supposed to be my home.
But not in this way..
I am so afraid.
What if I fail?
And let you down?
And never see you again?
I just want to fucking live! Is that to much to ask??
It is supposed to be easy!
I am supposed to just miss you, enjoy being with my family and work and be happy..and study, update my blog and train at the gym and thats all!!
Instead, my anxiety is making me paralysed.
Frickin craaap!
I feel sure of that this dream is everything I want.
But the stress is making me doubt the obviouse.
I have to know.
Because if I am wrong, I caused me family all this pain for nothing.
I will have to face them when I come crawling back, I have to hear them say "I told you so".
I feel like I am not doing goog enough at work. Always.
I am betraying my own family.
The fear of that you and my dream is not real is becoming hugh. Because if I fine out it is not, I will feel like there is nothing left to live for.
To reach my dream i am forced to give you the biggest chance to kill me. To make me die on the inside. My life is in your hands. Either you kill me or you make my dream come true.
And what I fear evan more, is that the fear itself will cause the lost.
Because this fear doesnt exactly bring out my best behavier.
And the stress is making it hard for me to evan manage to talk to you.
I forget you all the time. I forget who you are.
But every single time I remember I fall in love all over again.
Please be true!
I can't stant the pressure and expactations on everything I have to be!
It's coming from everywere! From everyone!
I can't stand walking around with burden.
Sleeping with it is evan worse.
There is only one place I've been were I can escape the burden.
One place, were I feel like I am home.
Zambia.
And most of all, your arms.
You are my home.
Love
